My cousin "bought" my old car from me when I got my new one, I couldn't legally sell it to him because of the lien on the title and I was paying it off, I only have $250 left to clear the title. So I have the car registered to me and the insurance is in my name, but he pays me $100/mo for the cost of adding the car to my policy. That $100 covers some of my other bills. I get home today and my grandma tells me that he's in jail and my car was taken by the police. Turns out he was busted by some undercover cops that were doing drug busts and he was arrested and my car was towed to a car place a half hour away. SO I have to call around to find out where my car is, find it, find out that it's $200 to get it back(literally almost the amount I needed to clear it) and so I had to borrow from my grandma. Find a friend to drive with me to get the car, pay the people, and drive it home. The car has NO brakes. Like NO brakes...pedal all the way to the floor and the car still barely stops and the back drivers side tire locks up. Almost died driving it home (it was chugging the entire way) because I couldn't stop at a red light and my tires were squealing, thankfully the people realized I couldn't stop and they waited. Now he's out of a car, I cancelled the insurance on it today and it's staying here until I clear the title and it's getting scrapped. I'm so disappointed in my family, I've done everything I can for them because I know what it's like to struggle and not have someone there to help out, but they screwed me over and once you've broken that trust you don't get it back. He is officially dead to me, I will never do another thing for him again. I was saving up for Summer fest which is only three paychecks away, but now I'm out $200 and worried I won't have enough for the trip...seriously my life just never gets better. It's been a shit storm since I was born. I had to go through being emotionally and physically abused until I was 11, then deal with 3 foster homes in a year and a half, get adopted by a grandmother I never knew existed, have to see my grandmother I knew and loved and who was one of the only people in my life that actually loved me die from cancer... Be around my biological father for 6 years and we only ever said one thing to one another before I watched him die from cancer. Lost my aunt to a simultaneous heart attack/seizure who constantly reminded me that my grandma only adopted me because she was lonely after loosing my grandpa to cancer. Then try to support myself and end up f-ed at every turn. I don't get into trouble, mostly because it was beaten into me that I couldn't be in trouble, or cry, or need something from another person, (which has caused me to show next to no emotion and I don't cry in front of other people, asking for help is the most stressful thing for me and I have a problem with being touched by people who I haven't known for an extended period of time)I'm emotionally damaged and more often than not I feel nothing, I've been suicidal since I was 6 and I'm barely hanging on, I try so hard to be okay, but it's just one terrible thing after the next and I never catch a break. I'm so sorry to anyone who actually read this. I'll be alright, I've survived 26 years and I'll keep on going. It just gets to me sometimes and I go through what is probably a bipolar episode where I'm really low, but I don't experience swings very often so I'm not really sure if it actually is bipolar since I've never been diagnosed. The doctor wouldn't even acknowledge my PCOS as a teen when I expressed concern about it(I didn't know I had it until I was 21 and had an exam) The PCOS contributes to the anxiety and depression too, so I'm doubled on that.
Last Edit: May 19, 2016 17:33:29 GMT -5 by Daveena
Seeing my daughter today, right now she is very heavy with child and she is just glowing. I do not get to see my baby much because of her parmedic job (I can't believe she is still doing her job) and just finishing her para medical degree, plus being just weeks away from having her baby. But my Jessica is awesome that way. And her husband I think is going to be wrap around my granddaughter's finger too, lol. I'm very proud of my daughter.
Me after seeing my sister holding people-food right in front of my cat's face repeatedly: "hey could you maybe not do that because she starts feeling comfortable being in close proximity to people food and she jumps on the counters and will eat anything that's not put away and since she's an old cat I don't want to risk her choking on anything or accidentally ingesting something harmful in the event that that happens." My sister: "oh my god lighten up it isn't gonna make her do any of those things and you're not the boss of me." My sister after she sees me petting her cat: "don't you ever touch my cat again."
This girl I follow on tumblr is all like "realistically my next horse will have to be basically dead broke since I’m a scaredy cat but I can’t afford calm horses that are also talented in any aspect"
...Yeah uhh I don't think you have a good understanding of what a broke horse is *supposed* to be, friend.
Her other thoughts are "I love to show even though I've only done it once and it shattered my confidence because instead of looking at the positive aspects of it like the fact that I RODE THE HORSE I WAS AFRAID TO RIDE AT ALL LAST YEAR AND THAT IN ITSELF IS A MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT ON OUR PART, Instead I focused on the fact that my green and very nervous horse who I don't ride very often didn't do well enough to win anything and now I'm disillusioned with everything about the horse industry."
and also "I guess I could get a baby and train it myself even though I don't have nearly the amount of confidence or knowledge that I need in order to do so." so I'm like "pleeease don't do that if you're not completely sure about what to do"
I want to tell her that she needs to stop worrying about getting a deadhead pony and just focus on either A. Riding her current horse outside of the round pen/arena more, on a loose rein so her horse can gain confidence and in turn, her rider too, or B. Just suck it up and buy one of those dead broke affordable horses with no personality or discernible talent (if such a thing exists) bc the last thing she needs right now is a horse that has a lot of potential to excel in its discipline that she just can't keep up with, because if she does that then I just know she's gonna find a reason down the road to complain about how she's holding back such a talented horse. I'm just so shy and I don't want to start any drama with her bc we don't really talk and I would hate for the first time we do to end in an argument that goes onto one of those 'horseblr drama of the week' blogs.
I had a happy day today, my mom and sister came from Ft Worth area to come to my daughter's baby shower and than we got to visit with my daughter and her husband after the baby shower. It was a very nice day.
Kind of a happy sad day for me. My young horse had his wolf teeth out, dental and microchip done which was yay, my GSD got her hip and elbow scores back which were great so that was yay, but my new project WB was found to have a 4-5/6 heart murmur which is not yay >.< So now she has to go and get an echocardiogram to see if she is safe to be ridden at all, but either way, she's most likely not going to be the eventing performance horse I was after >.< So bye bye competing and breeding ideas for the next year or two unless something miraculous happens. Horses will be horses xD
So since my only class right now is online and I'm fortunate enough to be able to not have to work while I'm in school, I literally have nowhere to be and most days, not much to do. My house is really clean, my yard is starting to look pretty good, and my dogs love all the attention BUT my sleep schedule is WAY OFF. I'm slowly turning into a vampire I think. On a normal day (before summer started) I woke up around 9-10 AM and went to bed around 2 AM. These days it's like even if I go to bed around 2 AM I can't sleep until 5 AM and I wake up after noon. Like yesterday, no kidding I woke up at 4 PM after tossing and turning and waking up a million times between 5 AM and 4 PM. I went to bed last night around 3 AM even though I wasn't tired but just trying to get back on track expecting to be waking up around 11 AM or before, and I woke up like an hour ago, at 1 PM. I hate this haha it happened last summer but it wasn't this bad, I've never woken up later than 1 before.
This mostly started since I was watching my brother's dog who actually is bonded to me more than him and she pretty much had to be wrapped around my neck or practically underneath me when I was sleeping, because she's a Dachshund and they love to cuddle and she also has short hair so she really loves warmth. But her constant fussing trying to get closer or moving around was pretty annoying and I'm hoping that's why the past few nights have been so weird so tonight should be better, hopefully.
Here's her cuteness on Christmas. I feel bad that she's so attached to me and not so much to my brother since she's not my dog, but he doesn't seem to care and he thinks it's cute how much she adores me.
I'm full of conflicting emotions. I don't want to do anything, because I feel nervous and weak, but doing nothing drives me crazy, 'cause there come stings of remorse and responsibility... Yeah, it isn't end! Add to this excitement and impatience and you will get emotional ticking-bomb I just have few things, that I must do, the best way I can, but I know, that won't be easy in this state of mind. Eeeh. All this problems came with recruitment. I want to go to University of Warsaw, but my friend who promised to rent a flat with me haven't enough points to qualify... And propably I will have the same problem, because I was suprised with my low score of matura exam from polish. Whole year I was best in polish in class, all my previous tests and exams was written awesome, I always have 85/90% from matura tests and max from normal tests, essays, etc. And then? I came to real matura exam and became 69%, much too small for UW and much too small for my ambition. I'm ultra-ambitious and I have problem with accepting my fails, so that "low" score drives me crazy, makes me furious, disappointed and sorrowful. For long time I try to deal with my ambition and I improved a little, it's better (a bit), but I can't deal with this situation, because my friends and teachers told me, that they were suprised and they expected better score from me. My family and close friends comfort me, but my ambition is harder. Equestrian metaphor - I feel like amatour rider on damn crazy horse, which can't stop and don't care about human on his back. There's a huge chance, that I won't qualify and have to say goodbye to University of Warsaw, so I must do a few things to get to my second-choice school. It's private academy, but I really good candidate there and I can get scholarship, but I must write an essay about likes and other reactions (lol, wow, wrr, etc) on Facebook. I can't focus on this and I don't know, where I can get more researches and informations about it (I have basic knowledge and info about communication, business, etc). I can't just give up - I want to relieve a bit my parents, money things... I feel great responsibility on my shoulders, but this essay is too much for me now.
I said, that I feel excitement and impatience too... Because getting scholarship and qualifing on Academy in Sopot is for me way to get a puppy, my first dog (after 8 years of waiting!). Sopot is connected with Gdańsk (yep, I live here) and I can stay home, adopt a dog. That won't be possible in Warsaw, because it's hard to find flat, which you can rent, if you have a pet. And living in Warsaw will cost a bit (renting a flat, food, etc).
So I had jury duty like 2-3 weeks ago and I've been on vacation for a week or so, got back last night. I picked up my mail today and have a failure to appear notice for jury duty which I WAS AT, I APPEARED! I spent AT LEAST 3 hours there and I turned in my paper jury summons thing and IDK how they could possibly think that I wasn't there. But now I have to deal with that but it's Friday and after business hours so I can do anything until Monday so now I'm just gonna worry about it all weekend. Uggghhh.